As the days go by...

To help you all understand my change of moods these days: (was written by a fellow expat, perhaps the same one who wrote the British Consulate guide to American women below)

Day 1
Dear Diary, Scotland just takes my breath away. It is truly one of the most beautiful places on earth. The buildings are older than anything we have in America. I am surrounded in culture and history and I’m loving it. I can’t understand the accent here very well, but I know I’ll catch on. This is going to be great.

Day 5
My things don’t fit into my new place, but I can downsize. I got to wear my new rain coat because it’s raining again and I must say I looked great waiting for my train. It was a bit wet and cold, but I feel like I’ve stepped into some romantic Lifetime movie. It took me 30 minutes to get my hamburger at Burger King, but I don’t mind. The pace of life is much slower here, unlike the rat race in America. I’m hanging my laundry outside to dry so I can help conserve energy and save the environment. I feel so proud to be doing my part.

Day 14
My bathroom is charming. It is very small and I have to close the door so there is room for my knees when I sit down on the toilet, but it’s so adorable. I don’t have a stand up shower, but it’s relaxing to sit down in a warm tub after a long day. It only adds 20 minutes to my daily routine to take a bath. It’s so cute how none of my rooms have closets. I feel so European. I can’t wait to tell my friends back home. I had to bag my own groceries at the supermarket tonight and I couldn’t find any Oreos or pickles, but that’s ok. I think I’ll find another grocery store that carries these things and also bags my stuff for me.

Day 17
I’ve had 12 cups of tea today. Maybe I should switch to decaf. I would sure love some Oreos. Maybe I’ll check some other stores to see if they are in stock. I’ve lost 5 pounds from all this walking, and I’m nursing a cold from standing in the rain at the station every day. I can’t find anything familiar to watch on TV, but I did find a soap opera to watch where everyone is extremely dramatic — you know, depressed and crying a lot in every episode.

Day 19
I’m having PMS. Where the hell are the goddamn Oreos? Screw the tea, I want a Mountain Dew and some Doritos. It took so long to take a bath this morning, I missed the train. I’m feeling as depressed as those actors on TV. My panties blew off the clothesline into the yard of the old man next door. I am too embarrassed to go pick them up.

Day 27
Who designed these godforsaken homes? If the walls weren’t made of brick, I’d have knocked out a wall to make room for a frickin’ closet. If it doesn’t stop raining soon, I’m going to build an ark. I broke down and ordered Oreos online. It’s only going to cost me $43 dollars to have them delivered to the house. Sounds reasonable.

Day 32
My spouse got the bill for the Oreos and punched a hole in the kitchen wall. I asked him to punch a few more holes because it makes the place feel a little bit bigger to have the extra inch of space. He told me that if I don’t straighten up my whiny American attitude, he’s calling immigration to have me deported back to the US. He also wants to know why the old man next door dropped by to return my panties.

Day 35
The Oreos arrived today. Ahhhh. Scotland just takes my breath away. It is truly one of the most beautiful places on earth, isn’t it?